Fri - July 9, 2004

This Land is Your Land....


You have got to Check out THIS, it is hilarious!

Woodie Guthrie would be proud.... I think. LOL!

Posted at 01:33 PM     Read More   |

Hottest Presidential Offspring?


Wizbang is running a contest as to who has the hottest daughters, Bush or Kerry. LOL of course they show a very unflattering picture of the Kerry Girls.
To be honest, neither of them appeal to me. But if I had to choose between Vanessa Kerry and the two Bush Tramps... Can you say following in Daddy's addiction footsteps. I think I would choose Kerry, Vanessa anyway, who despite the big nose, is better looking than la Gordita Jenna, and her sister.

Posted at 12:59 PM     Read More   |

Thu - July 1, 2004

Remember the Book, "The Rules"


Here is the mens version, edited and improved by yours truly.

The Guys' Rules
I have made some changes to this, they are in Red.

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the
Guys side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
From the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. And know this, bitching about it will not change our tendency to leave it up.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Ditto for checking out other women on the street. It is genetic and not our fault.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail terrorism, and like our president, I don’t negotiate with terrorist.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Maybe is also a reasonable answer.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said or did 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days, and actions after a year if no further offense of the same type occurs.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Also don’t expect us to get all hot and bothered when you wear your granny panties or that long tee-shirt you call a nightie.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. In fact, just outsource it and I will pay!

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or when I am not working, browsing the web, playing playstation, or any other activity that requires my concentration.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask "what is wrong?" and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. There is also a high likelihood that you are going to get on our ass about something, and we would prefer you don’t.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, monster trucks or politics.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch Tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.







Posted at 02:40 PM     Read More   |

Fri - June 25, 2004

A comment I got tonight on One of My Post


You complete stupid dumb fuck.

*No amount of freshly painted schools are going to make the Iraqi people forget about the bombs that are going off in their streets.

Hey you fucking idiot. How about closing the torture chambers that were specially made for children. HUH? How about closing the rape you you stupid fucking jerk!

--

*Berg, Johnson and Sun-il would probably be alive today if not for this war,

You stupid fucking moron. How about the 3000 dead Americans that died long before this war you fucking nut case! Who the fuck killed them you ignorant asshole! Islamic nuts! you think this war caused terrorism you stupid fucking prick!

--

You are such a fucking idiot
Jake the snake | Email | 06.25.04 - 9:54 pm | #

-----

That tirade was in response to this.

READ ON...

Posted at 10:14 PM     Read More   |

Thu - June 24, 2004

Okay, this is just wrong!


A friend of mine sends me an email with some pictures of a beautiful girl. They are a series in various states of dress and "progressively," undress. When I get to the last three pictures, (out of like 20), I discover that this:





Is a MAN! Oh my Gawd. It is way too early in the morning to deal with such a shock.

Posted at 05:47 AM     Read More   |

Fri - June 18, 2004

Reality TV Show Idea...


How about a reality TV show that follows one of the Expatriate bums who retires to Costa Rica, hangs out with 18 year old Costa Rican girls, and spends their nights at notorious night spots like the Hotel Del Rey? I have seen it, it aint pretty, and it would make far more interesting Television than Survivor, or The Apprentice.

Posted at 02:13 PM     Read More   |

Mon - June 7, 2004

Some Days Ya Just Cant Win!








Posted at 01:11 PM     Read More   |

Thu - June 3, 2004

Some Choice Excerpts from Bill Maher's Interview with Larry King


As Promised, thought I would share this with you:

MAHER: It hasn't always been tough, and I do love time off, but this period has been tough because so much has been going on. I mean, I never thought that I would see so many things in the world and happen to our country that made me sad, angry. I mean, did you ever think it would get any lower than hearing people brag that our torture wasn't as bad as Saddam's? You know, you hear that. People say, Well, he -- you know, he killed a lot more people. I am so proud -- I am just so proud to be an American, Larry, that our torture wasn't as bad as Saddam Hussein's torture.

KING: Or that it was like a college fraternity initiation.

MAHER: Yes, that's what...

KING: Somebody...

MAHER: ... Rush Limbaugh said.

KING: Oh, was it he...

MAHER: He said it was a hazing. Tough words from a...

KING: It was him? I didn't know it was him that said it.

MAHER: Rush Limbaugh said it was just like a college hazing. They were blowing off some steam. You know.

KING: You're kidding!

MAHER: Tough words from a guy whose dealer is the maid.

Read On...

Posted at 01:14 PM     Read More   |

Wed - June 2, 2004

I love Bill Maher!


I am watching Bill Maher on Larry King Live. I cant wait to read the transcript. This guy is one of the most intelligent people I have ever seen. The thing I love the most about the guy is he pulls no punches and says what he thinks, no partisanship, just plain, politically incorrect, straight at 'cha truth. One of my favorite comments tonight was that Bush loves to Play Commander and Chief to enhance his own image, but doesn't take responsibility for shit.
I cant wait for the transcript....

Posted at 07:45 PM     Read More   |

Thu - May 27, 2004

Okay, this Shit is Too Funny


If you think the Britts talk funny, you should see what they think of how we talk...

Speak proper, like.

It never ceases to amaze me how many Americans fail to understand what I am saying.

As far as I am concerned, I enunciate better than anyone else on this continent, because I grew up where English was invented. If you can't understand ME, God only knows how you manage to understand each other.

The reason we Europeans don't like your accent (apart from you southerners, we love that one) is that you sound like you are talking out of your noses to us. All we hear is a kind of twangy WAAA WAAA WAAAAAA WAAAA WAAAA WAAAA WAAAAAAA thing, which has the same effect as scraping a fork down a plate to our ears. Afrikaaner South Africans aren't much better, I'm afraid, as all we hear when they speak is coughing. Much like the Dutch.

Anyway, I'm used to the accents now, and can even understand people from Long Island. But some things still bother me. Words. Words that you use incorrectly. They make my teeth feel queasy.

FALL
It isn't FALL. It's AUTUMN. Fall is positively autistic. Yes, we know the leaves fall off the trees, but other things happen too. It gets colder, it's more likely to rain, and not all the leaves fall off all the trees, otherwise we wouldn't need the term 'evergreen'. I mean, if you're going to use 'Fall', why not call the other seasons, um, I know, Grow, Hot, and Bare. At least that's consistent.

PANTYHOSE
What the fuck were you thinking of here? What the holy fuck are pantyhose? They sound like a cross between a sanitary pad and a truss. They're TIGHTS, people, TIGHTS. Panty fucking hose, my arse. Grow up.

POCKETBOOK
It's not a book. It doesn't go in your pocket. How much more inconsistent can you people get? It's a handbag. It's a bag and you carry it in your hand. Et Voila!

MATH
It's fucking plural, for God's sake. MATHEMATICS. Plural. The shortened form is MATHS. With an 'S'. Know that.

CHIPS
Look, it's our fucking language. We invented it and you ought to respect it. Chips are made when you peel potatoes, cut them into finger-length planks and deep fry them in fat you've had hanging around for the last couple of years. You eat them with ketchup. Or salt and vinegar. Or gravy if you are common. CRISPS are thin slices of potato that have been deep fried and they come in packets and end up spawning derivatives like Wotsits and Frazzles. My favourite are Walkers Cheese and Onion, but they're hard to get over here.

ASS
ASS is an animal. ARSE is a decent fucking epletive. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARSE! Nothing like shouting that across an office to let people know you're not happy. ARSE ARSE ARSE ARSE ARSE. I love that word. It might be my favourite word of all time. Ass is lame, flaccid and weak. ARSE is a mighty warrior in the world of obscenity. It's kicks your ass's ARSE. Hard.

And now, my favourite, most hated word.

ALUMINUM
Here is a link to number 13 on the Periodic Table. NOTE THE SPELLING OF ELEMENT NUMBER 13 CAREFULLY. Then admit you are wrong. Then go to your room and write:

"I WILL LEARN TO SPELL AND PRONOUNCE ALUMINIUM CORRECTLY."

one hundred times. Then flagellate yourself, if you're into that kind of thing, and go to bed without your supper.

I do like the word "noogie" though. Even if I'm hazy as to what it actually means.



Posted at 08:52 PM     Read More   |

Wed - May 26, 2004

Okay.... This is Just Wrong....


Wrong, Wrong, Wrong....






And Double Wrong! LOL!

Posted at 08:41 PM     Read More   |

Tue - May 25, 2004

New Axe Commercial


Axe is about as big as it gets down here when it comes to mens deodorant and colognes. Watch this commercial and you will know why.



Posted at 05:23 PM     Read More   |

Sun - May 23, 2004

Prince Concert on A&E


There was an incredible Prince Concert on A&E tonight, with Lenny Kravitz, Larry Grahm, Morris Day and the Time, The New Power Generation.... It bought back some great memories. Of course I had to go to the library and listen to some of my old favorites again. Now, I have MANY favorites of Prince songs, but this one brings back some very passionate memories for me. At the time I was seeing someone who was involved with another person before I met them. We started seeing each other and all of a sudden this guy comes back into the picture. I remember driving up Mulholland Drive with her and parking the car and then playing this song for her. Dammmmmm.... It still moves me.


Posted at 09:49 PM     Read More   |

And You Thought The Princess Was Sexy



Posted at 12:00 AM     Read More   |

Sat - May 22, 2004

This is Funny as Hell



Posted at 12:00 AM     Read More   |

Fri - May 7, 2004

Now A Trip Down Memory Lane







The Original - Apollonia Kotero
From Prince's Purple Rain



Posted at 05:35 PM     Read More   |

Mon - May 3, 2004

Now I feel Sorry for This Girl!


Listen to this, from a real radio broadcast:



Posted at 06:04 PM     Read More   |

Sat - May 1, 2004

I stopped being a Star Wars Fan after the first three...


But could not help taking this test when I saw it.

My Results:



Posted at 11:10 AM     Read More   |

Fri - April 30, 2004

One of My Fraternity Brothers Sent Me This Tonight...


You have probably heard the joke, but I thought it was funny, so thought I would share:

LOVE MAKING IN THE DARK
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, > >screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw
her husband was holding a > >battery-operated pleasure device... a
vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. > >She went completely
ballistic.
"You impotent son of a gun," she screamed at him, > >"how could you be
lying to me all of these years?
You'd better explain yourself!"
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

Posted at 08:02 PM     Read More   |

Thu - April 29, 2004

New MEME from Debwire.com


I got this alphabet meme from Deb.

A - Age: 44
B - Band listening to right now: Peter Gabriel
C - Career future: Internet Tychoon
D - Dad’s name: Robert
E - Easiest person to talk to: I can talk with anyone.
F - Favorite song: The Learning Years
G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Bears
H - Hometown: Born in Pulaski VA, Hometown-Los Angeles
I - Instruments: None, but I like the sax
J - Job: Consultant, CEO
K - Kids: 3
L - Longest car ride ever: Los Angeles to Fort Worth Tx and back.
M - Mom’s name: Elsie
N - Number of people you slept with: Dont know, could probably figure it out if I took the time, but WHY...
O - Obsession[s]: Helping other people, my kids, my business, writing
P - Phobia[s]: heights,insects
Q - Quote: "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible."
R - Reason to smile: LIFE
S - Song you sang last: Hey Yah... Apollonia's favorite song
T - Time you wake up: Between 7am and 9am
U - Unknown fact about me: I can be insecure at times.
V - Vegetable you hate: Don't have one.
W - Worst habit: smoking, tending to get involved with the wrong women in my life, and not appreciating the right ones.
X - X-rays you’ve had: dental, chest, leg, hand
Y - Yummy food: Lobster
Z - Zodiac sign: Taurus

Now I could have probably changed the letter-question pairs, but I like the way Deb did it, so I used the same ones.

Posted at 10:26 PM     Read More   |







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